The best strategies for having relationships based on strong and lasting love are simple, yet profound.
One of the major factors necessary for a relationship to last is being non-controlling.
This seems to be the most difficult quality to find in a person, because nearly everyone I speak to believes he or she has it.
And the more they try to convince me of this, the more I tend to believe otherwise. Because, believe it or not, when someone is trying to defend him/herself, convince you he or she is right, or push you to their way of thinking, he or she actually is demonstrating a form of control over you.
Even though they are only having a conversation with you.
If you use controlling words or language, you are engaging in controlling behavior. Try to be non-controlling in the situations below. Let me give you some examples:
- Trying to defend yourself by saying, “I did not do those things you said I did.” You are implying the person is not telling the truth.
- Convincing the person you are right by saying, “Everyone understands this except you.” You are implying that because everyone agrees with you, you must be right and they are wrong.
- Pushing the person to your way of thinking. “If you don’t do it this way, I will leave you.” You are implying that if it’s not your way, it’s the highway.
The only way you truly can be non-controlling is by asking questions, not making statements.
If you respond with a question, you are trying to validate the other person’s reasoning, behavior and motives.
Let’s try this again with the same examples:
- Trying to defend yourself. “I did not do those things you said I did,” becomes, “What makes you think I did those things?” You are implying they may be mistaken.
- Convincing the person you are right. “Everyone understands this except you,” becomes, “How can I help you understand?” You are offering to explain more to help the situation.
- Pushing the person to your way of thinking. “If you don’t do it this way, I will leave you,” becomes, “Can you please suggest a better way to do this?” You are saying you are willing to look at alternatives.
Can you see how questions soften the way people feel when they receive your responses? It’s a whole new way of conversing, discussing and compromising without the outcome escalating out of control because someone is trying to take control.
This is what is called a win/win situation. Most people try for a win/lose, lose/win, or lose/lose situation. Instead of trying to find an answer, think of a comment to make or give your opinion.
Try to formulate it into a question, and see the peaceful and positive outcome.
For example, the next time you hear someone say, “I am so sick of you and your behavior,” instead of reacting with, “And I am sick of yours,” think of a question with which to respond. Ask, “What in particular do you find offensive?”
Another quality you will find in most people who hope you have a long-lasting love and peaceful, prosperous and happy life will have some form of spirituality.
This does not mean attending church or praying every night, which is fine for some people, but having spirituality on the inside, not just on the outside; believing in a higher being/creator other than ourselves, whatever you conceive that to be.
It could be God, Christ, or whatever. Most people in this category know we are spiritual beings having a human experience and not human beings having a spiritual experience.
If this is believed, then they also will live their life according to that belief. If they do harm you, then they harm themselves.
They believe the higher universe will take care of problems for our highest good, whether it is a lesson we need to learn or a pleasure we need to experience.
These people are most likely to search for happiness in all areas of their life without sacrificing or compromising other people’s happiness.
If you are searching for a partner with this quality, it is interesting to note you are most likely to find these people in the self-development industry. They are more likely to be aware of how their behavior might be helping themselves and the world in the pursuit of happiness and not just be self-absorbed.
I also have found if they don’t appreciate or even condemn the self-development world, they can be very challenging in how they treat other people and have the “What’s in it for me?” mentality.
I decided years ago I will not consider having a serious relationship with a potential partner unless she is interested in, and on a continual path to, self improvement and awareness. Personal development has been a major part of my life for many years and proven to be the most rewarding quality in a mate.
In my opinion, these are the best strategies for making love last. They really have worked for me. I hope they work for you.